drifting apart: the last drop
As the construction crane turns, the sunlight reflects into the room from its windows. It’s a blur of light, sweeping through the narrow room, too quick to catch. Almost enough to drive you insane in a wild search to find where the sunlight is coming from, especially when that room never receives any.
I think it’s time for me to come clean. I have been struggling to enjoy fountain pens. It has been a tough, heartbreaking year and it feels silly to even think back on how hopeful it started. This blog had also started like that, some years ago now, and I had just wanted a place where I can share the love I have for any type of writing instruments. A little chatty, fun time for me to spend playing around with ink, pens, paper... It turns out that some other people were also happy to read my ramblings. I met great people. I read these great people’s writings. Growing up when blogs were popular made me love them quite a bit, personality of each blog is quite unique and I read ferociously when I stumble upon a new one. No wonder I tried to write one when I was 12, no wonder when I wanted to whisper how much I love pens into the void, I came back.
Over time, I put needless pressure on myself to keep churning out reviews. Instead of sharing what I love, I started sharing what I have. I think that started to eat through my love of writing this blog. That went on to affect how I viewed my pens, where if I picked up one, it would turn on my reviewer brain and it would go downhill from there.
This chaos in my hobby life was just multiplied by the chaos in my school life. Long story short, it didn’t go as expected, it didn’t even go remotely well. I did beat myself up for that too. Over the summer, I tried to have a bit of a break, I didn’t even look at the blog’s Instagram. Just ignored everything completely.
Unfortunately for everyone, inks dried. Pens got stained. Some of my favourite pens got stained too. It took a good amount of elbow grease to clean pens. It broke my heart a little bit further.
In the end, I managed to clean all. I inked only a couple. Quite basic inks too: one green, one blue and one red. I put them in my first sewing project, a three pen pouch I had hand-sewn myself (I did pick up a couple new hobbies on the way hehe). I found myself reaching for them more and more.
I even finished an ink! Completely!
I inked up the last drops of Diamine Blue Black in my Sailor Realo. It’s a basic writing experience, dark ink with a fine nib. But there’s something about it. I looked for different writing experiences, different feels, different inks... There’s a different sort of magic in coming back to one of the first bottles you owned, one of the first pens you splurged on. It feels like coming home.
It’s like an old pair of shoes, worn just right in all the right places. Creased and folded and moulded for you. Comfortable and comforting. I started journaling again. I started using my pens more. I started daydreaming about pens too, certain inks or pens I missed. Certain writing experiences that fit certain tasks better.
Well, I started using my pens. I started loving them again, even when a stain catches my eye and makes me a little sad. I don’t know what will be the fate of this blog right now. My life’s standing on the edge, things are changing and I don’t know where I’m going. I know for a certain that I want to keep writing about pens. There’s a saying in Turkish that says water finds its way -su yolunu bulur. No matter how tough the rock seems, it’ll figure out a place to go, even if it needs to carve it. I have to believe that for now.
Thank you for reading this far, it has been a rambly post that has been on my mind for a while. I stumbled upon a video essay on “real” things instead of digitalising everything, and I think the fountain pen people would also appreciate that. I find myself thinking about it quite a bit since I watched it for the first time… That’s the video in the link if you want to watch it as well. Oh, also the pictures are the ones I took that I keep looking back to, because they are moments where it felt so much better to be in a physical world rather than a digital one.
Sorry to hear about your hard year and things not going as planned which is quite a knock and takes time to get back on your feet. I enjoy your blog and hope that you rediscover your enthusiasm for it and your writing (pens seem to have come back into your life which is wonderful) as it has obviously given your enormous pleasure and happiness over the years hopefully too much for it to simply fade away.
I wish you a good 2025 and look forward to reading your blog next year.
As they say in parts of where I was brought up "may the road rise with you!"
This post really speaks to me. It's been a very hard year for so many people. I really appreciate your candor and the way you write. You're a new-ish follow for me, but I'm so glad I found you and your perspective.
Just a little note to say thank you for sharing and for your openness with us, your readers, your fellow hobbyists. I've been reading your wonderful blog since the start and have been drawn to the warmth and emotion you bring to our hobby, not to mention the stunning photography.
I sincerely hope you manage to turn things around and recover from your setbacks this year and make a fresh start in 2025. Whether it be studies, career, this blog, or anything else, I trust you'll find happiness and meaning in all the years still to come.
When I started following fountain pen blogs like yours it was for the reviews, but then I dropped a lot of them, and kept only a few based primarily on the fact that the writing and engagement of other facets of life with these tools became more important than just countless reviews of the infinite ink and pen combinations that exist to solely drive us to consume more. I hope you continue to love your pens and interact with analog mediums. Whatever you decide to do with either this blog or other ventures, I wish you the best!
So glad you found your way back to what you love about fountain pens. I took a journey into collecting fountain pens and collected WAY too many. Finally I'm back to using a small number of favorites whenever I feel like writing. Oh, I also sew. I made one pen case for a treasured mini pen. It helps me keep track of it so it'll never get lost (I hope). It is comforting to come back to a few of my favorite pen friends.